gravity

something always brings me back to you

it never takes too long

no matter what i say or do 

i'll still feel you here till the moment i'm gone

you hold me without touch

you keep me without chains

i never wanted anything so much than to

drown in your love and not feel your reign

set me free, leave me be

i don't want to fall another moment into your gravity

here i am and i stand so tall

just the way i'm supposed to be

but you're on to me, and all over me

you loved me 'cause i'm fragile, 

when i thought that i was strong

but you touched me for a little while

all my fragile strength is gone

set me free, leave me be

 i don't want to fall another moment into your gravity

here i am, and i stand so tall

just the way i'm supposed to be

but you're on to me, and all over me

i live here on my knees

as i try to make you see that 

you're everything i think i need here on the ground

but you're neither friend nor foe

though i can't seem to let you go

the one thing that i still know

is that you're keeping me down

you're keeping me down, yeah yeah yeah

you're on to me, on to me and all over...

something always brings me back to you

it never takes too long.

~"gravity" by sara bareilles

sometimes a song will simply say it all and it would just be plagiarism to say how i feel.

single girls

cause that's what single girls do,

don't think about you.

~"single girls" by Laura Jansen

i recently read The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis. it was a really good book. i'd recommend it. there was a part of it that really stuck out to me. a lady was stuck in hell basically because she loved her son too much. which at first you'd think weird, until it's explained. she loved her son more than God. the only good thing is God, and the further you get from Him, the less good there is. her love was so far from God.

so people lie when they say that love is good. love in and of itself isn't good. it's not bad either if you want to be truthful. it's just love.

and this all got me to thinking about the people that i love. that i miss. who aren't with me. is my love keeping me from Him? maybe. so that was one of my "new year's" goals. to take myself away from that, and closer to the love that brings us closer to the Lord.

so i'm not thinking about him.

at least that's what i've told myself. i'm not really sure how i'm going to manage looking at the Payson Mountain and not remember our hikes. I'm not sure how i'm going to look at collector's coins and not think about the ones he gave me. i'm not sure how i'm going to go swimming and not remember all the swim meets i went to with him.

but that's what single girls do right? they don't think about them.

Airplanes

can we pretend that airplanes

in the night sky are like shooting stars?

i could really use a wish right now, wish right now

wish right now.

~"airplanes" by B.O.B feat. Hayley Williams

what would you wish for if you had one chance? wishes are a pretty complex thing if you think about it. sometimes what we want isn't always the best for us, or could simply never happen. or, should never happen, because sometimes we want things that aren't going to make us happy at all in the end.

and recently i've thought about how choices can lead to two different endings. if i chose to turn left instead of right. if i chose to be happy now, but sad later instead of sad now and happy later.

so maybe that's where wishes come in. we wish that something else were the reality. our mistakes or whatever choices we make, if we wished for different outcomes...what would happen if they came true? would i be happy in the end? would i miss what i had never been able to have?

in the end wishing isn't real and none of that matters. shooting stars don't grant miracles. in the end, everything falls back on you and what choice you actually made. life is an empty page until you decide to lift up your hand and start to write it.

wishes don't come true.

merry christmas darling

merry christmas, darling

we're apart that's true

but i can dream, and in my dreams

i'm christmas-ing with you.

~"merry christmas darling" by Karen Carpenter

this is my christmas tree.

not sure where this tradition came from,

or that of kissing under the mistletoe.

but i love them both.

christmas is magical

even if there is no such thing.

and it's a time for love,

a time for being near those whom we love.

because God gave us the gift of His son

because of love.

that's what christmas is about

love.

Where I Land

you have a way of stirring up my soul

did you know?

when you hold me in your arms the way you do

it feels like coming home.

and i am lost for words

you're more than i deserve

and when i cannot stand

you are where i land.

~"where i land" by JJ Heller

i remember his embrace. i felt his hand on top of mine. the memories are vivid. he put my arm through his and we walked the dimly lit streets and came to the park. walking up the steps we ran across the field. i tossed a snowball teasingly and he deflected it. we made snow angels and got up freezing cold and quite wet. but we were so happy.

another time, another memory. it was a glorious morning. we drove up the nearby canyon as far as the car would go. then we walked. on our way up i poked him in the side, teasing him and moving him over. he shouldered me back and we both laughed but soon it was a full fledged snow fight. i threw snow in his face and he "tackled" me to the ground. we laughed, lying in the snow and we looked into each others eyes and we both knew.

i love the snow.

Prayer of the Children

can you hear the voice of the children

softly pleading for silence in their shattered world?

angry guns preach a gospel full of hate,

blood of the innocent on their hands.

crying Jesus, "help me

to feel the sun again on my face?

for when darkness clears, i know you're near,

bringing peace again."

~"prayer of the children" by Kurt Bestor

i'm a primary worker for my church. which means that i work with small children, teaching the basic principles of the gospel while they're parents do the same. and even though my little ones are younger than the children who would have been at the Connecticut Shooting...i feel so sad. looking into their small faces that day, seeing how happy they were just to play duck-duck-goose, and to listen to my made up stories and drawing pictures of their families with our leftover time...they are just like any child, here or in Connecticut. there is no excuse for the murder of these souls.

i imagine how i would feel, if my child were taken from me and i weren't even able to be there to hold their small body as they returned to their Eternal Father. no child's journey on this earth should be brought to such an abrupt end.

there is only despair in my heart when i think about the pain of the mothers, and the fathers. i pray that there is still hope for us. a world where children here, anywhere - whether in Connecticut or any other third world country or any place on earth - where these precious souls are stolen. shattered.

my prayers go out to all those children, and children out there who have also been hurt, or abused, or murdered. these spirits are pure. i know that they will return to our Father in heaven. His love is so infinite. they have a place of pure glory nestled in His arms and surrounded by His love.

There Is a God

science says it's all just circumstance

like this whole world's just an accident

but if you wanna shoot that theory down

look around, just look around

there is a God...

how much proof do you need?

~"there is a god" by Lee Ann Womack

i've been thinking about the difference between science and there being a God. or rather not the difference, but rather what people think is impossible: to have both. a true agnostic or atheist when posed with the above question would simply say...how does that prove that there is a God?

but it's more than just proof. because for a truly literal thinker, it may not be. it's a matter of the heart. beauty, sunsets, creations, this earth, the simple miracles all around us...yes there is an answer to how it all came to be, but...why?

and that is why i believe in God. because i know He answers that why. because i and so many other are his children, that is why. because he loves us...enough to send his son.

just something to think about this christmas season.