merry christmas darling

merry christmas, darling

we're apart that's true

but i can dream, and in my dreams

i'm christmas-ing with you.

~"merry christmas darling" by Karen Carpenter

this is my christmas tree.

not sure where this tradition came from,

or that of kissing under the mistletoe.

but i love them both.

christmas is magical

even if there is no such thing.

and it's a time for love,

a time for being near those whom we love.

because God gave us the gift of His son

because of love.

that's what christmas is about

love.

Where I Land

you have a way of stirring up my soul

did you know?

when you hold me in your arms the way you do

it feels like coming home.

and i am lost for words

you're more than i deserve

and when i cannot stand

you are where i land.

~"where i land" by JJ Heller

i remember his embrace. i felt his hand on top of mine. the memories are vivid. he put my arm through his and we walked the dimly lit streets and came to the park. walking up the steps we ran across the field. i tossed a snowball teasingly and he deflected it. we made snow angels and got up freezing cold and quite wet. but we were so happy.

another time, another memory. it was a glorious morning. we drove up the nearby canyon as far as the car would go. then we walked. on our way up i poked him in the side, teasing him and moving him over. he shouldered me back and we both laughed but soon it was a full fledged snow fight. i threw snow in his face and he "tackled" me to the ground. we laughed, lying in the snow and we looked into each others eyes and we both knew.

i love the snow.

Prayer of the Children

can you hear the voice of the children

softly pleading for silence in their shattered world?

angry guns preach a gospel full of hate,

blood of the innocent on their hands.

crying Jesus, "help me

to feel the sun again on my face?

for when darkness clears, i know you're near,

bringing peace again."

~"prayer of the children" by Kurt Bestor

i'm a primary worker for my church. which means that i work with small children, teaching the basic principles of the gospel while they're parents do the same. and even though my little ones are younger than the children who would have been at the Connecticut Shooting...i feel so sad. looking into their small faces that day, seeing how happy they were just to play duck-duck-goose, and to listen to my made up stories and drawing pictures of their families with our leftover time...they are just like any child, here or in Connecticut. there is no excuse for the murder of these souls.

i imagine how i would feel, if my child were taken from me and i weren't even able to be there to hold their small body as they returned to their Eternal Father. no child's journey on this earth should be brought to such an abrupt end.

there is only despair in my heart when i think about the pain of the mothers, and the fathers. i pray that there is still hope for us. a world where children here, anywhere - whether in Connecticut or any other third world country or any place on earth - where these precious souls are stolen. shattered.

my prayers go out to all those children, and children out there who have also been hurt, or abused, or murdered. these spirits are pure. i know that they will return to our Father in heaven. His love is so infinite. they have a place of pure glory nestled in His arms and surrounded by His love.

There Is a God

science says it's all just circumstance

like this whole world's just an accident

but if you wanna shoot that theory down

look around, just look around

there is a God...

how much proof do you need?

~"there is a god" by Lee Ann Womack

i've been thinking about the difference between science and there being a God. or rather not the difference, but rather what people think is impossible: to have both. a true agnostic or atheist when posed with the above question would simply say...how does that prove that there is a God?

but it's more than just proof. because for a truly literal thinker, it may not be. it's a matter of the heart. beauty, sunsets, creations, this earth, the simple miracles all around us...yes there is an answer to how it all came to be, but...why?

and that is why i believe in God. because i know He answers that why. because i and so many other are his children, that is why. because he loves us...enough to send his son.

just something to think about this christmas season.

Stranger

stranger i've known you for so long

i found you lost with a compass in the fog

stranger you know me too much

illusionary-self had not be touched, until you.

~"stranger" by Katie Costello

Plato presented a story once as to why one man and one woman are drawn to one another. in other words: soul mates. the story goes that in the beginning mankind all had four arms, four legs and a single head but with two faces. however, the greek god Zeus feared their power. so he divided all of them, us, whoever they were and condemned them to live the rest of their lives searching for the other half which would make them whole.

it was a brilliant plan {if it were even true of course} because if you really think about it, if you wanted to destroy a potential enemy, you make them wonder about their identity, you take something away from them that they need. you hold all the cards. but isn't that the incredible thing as well? being smart enough to reason that part out, you realize that the power that Zeus feared? was love. was synergy. was all of us working together to create, for families to have a chance.

i'm a mormon, i gotta put my own twist on this. say Zeus were of the same opinion as Satan/the devil? he would never want there to be real love, for families to continue, for there to be confusion and distraction and hatred and passionate frenzies. distract the puny humans with silly things like that and they will never discover their true potential. but what if all that were wrong. and man and woman were meant to be together. gosh, if Plato figured it out with all his greek weirdos then we gotta be able to!

and then there's another side to this. we were lost without our other half. we were meant to love and be loved. and there is someone out there who is meant for you, just like a puzzle piece. again i'm mormon and quite honestly don't believe we all used to have four arms and legs and two faces {although i gotta say...some people may have more than one than necessary...} and i don't believe we all have our one soul mate who is the only perfect match for us. rather, i believe that any righteous man and woman may have a successful relationship if God is involved. however. i also know that God wants us to be happy. everyone's story is different, and we are all given different blessings. i believe that God knows from all of the possible outcomes, which one is most likely...and honestly, probably already knows what you're going to name your second child.

i think God cares. i think just like any other father, He only wants what is best. trusting Him is essential. i think that when love is right {timing, place, people} He will let you know. but i think it's also still our decision.

maybe that's the ultimate victory over Zeus...maybe not that there is a soul mate that we must find, but deciding that we're not lost and condemned without them. we have a choice.

and maybe just a thought for you to think about: why just one head ...and not two?

February Song

and i never want to let you down

forgive me if i slip away

when all that i've known is lost and found

i promise you i, i'll come back to you one day.

~"february song" by Josh Groban

saying goodbye to a friend is hard. the first time i remember saying goodbye to my best friend, i was probably about eleven years old. she and i loved to play Lord of the Rings and Star Wars. we took turns being the pretty elf or Padme.

i remember when i saw her again after nearly a year or two when she had moved away for a while. she came to pick me up after school in the parking lot. i don't remember waiting for her outside but i do remember the next part. i saw her and i was so excited that i literally started running when i saw her, and then i gave her the biggest hug i had ever given anyone. i remember being so happy that even to this day it makes me feel light and happy.

a few years ago i said goodbye to another "friend". it was an immature friendship and there were a lot of misunderstandings. my parents asked me not to talk to him again, at least until i was eighteen and could make my own decisions. i listened to them. it was nearly six months after my birthday but i did finally contact him. i don't think it was for the best. it opened old wounds.

it makes me wonder why i ever had to go through all of that.

and then just two weeks ago...again i said goodbye to my best friend, only this time to the best friend that i had been praying to find for nearly my entire life. a guy who understood me, the romantic and the politics, the books and the excess of thoughts. and the simple but strong passion for life. the one year we had together seems so short now. every little memory invades my mind.

sometimes i will come home, no matter what time of day and i look over at some object that triggers a memory and i'm momentarily transported back. i miss him, so much that my heart almost literally hurts sometimes.

i hope someday that when we see each other, there will not have to be any more goodbyes.

You Don't Define Me.

you know my name,

but how would it be if you knew of my pain?

i won't complain.

we've all played that game,

but i still take your talk and toss it away.

words are falling out your mouth

like rain falling all over the ground.

like thunder and lightning.

you say you got it figured out.

you think you know what i'm all about,

but you don't define me.

~"you don't define me" by Mindy Gledhill

why are we all so content on judging one another? so many of the people that we see and criticize have stories that we could never understand. working at my new job i am surrounded by so many people whom i would never even have said "hello" to before i worked there. but who could have guessed the truly genuine people i could encounter there too?

for example: the girl with multiple ear piercings who told me she's been married for four years and she's only twenty? she was the first person who bothered to talk to me. twice, a couple of guys who i know swear quite often, apologized to me when they knew i had heard them - and not because i was LDS, but because i was a girl. another guy, would be homeless if my manager hadn't taken him in. one older gentlemen with teeth so rotted from smoking that teeth have fallen out, has taken me "under his wing" in a sense to show me the ropes of the place. these people have good hearts.

people have an innate desire to be good. it's up to us whether we let them.

Ashes & Wine

is there a chance?

a fragment of light at the end of the tunnel?

a reason to fight?
is there a chance you may change your mind?

or are we ashes and wine?

~"ashes & wine" by A Fine Frenzy

that is the chorus of a song that i love. it speaks of the desire for hope, of wanting to understand those around us who baffle us. it asks the question we all want to know, is there really hope? or are we simply day-dreamers wishing idly for a better world?

music is full of small nuggets everywhere with simply beautiful thoughts like this. i come across them all the time in all forms of music, whether in the lyrics or even just in a beat.

and that is what this space is for. combining the music i love, with the thoughts that invade my mind without stop - i hope to create something beautiful too. because that's one amazing reason i believe we are here on this earth, along with being tested. we are here to create beauty and grow, and progress and admire the works of others as well.

i hope you enjoy this as much as i know i will. so without further ado, let the music begin!